Purging lifetimes
I've spent the past year living on the edge of medical crisis, purging green stuff out of my skin and coming to terms with my limitations, all while experiencing other lifetimes where I die in similar scenarios. Cool, cool, cool...
*Heads up* I graphically describe gross skin stuff, medical trauma & violent death scenarios
*Extra Heads up* Photos of my experience below include some graphic images of wounds, blood & overall yuck.
Morning after my energetic exorcism-rough night 💀
Burning, itching & bleeding 🔥
My skin barrier uniform included wrapping my extremities tightly with underwear, cloth headbands, old shirts and ripped kids pants.
Swelling, oozing & exploding all over. Pus & blood coming out of my ears, eyes, armpits, even under my fingernails-EVERYWHERE.
After my infected wounds were needled & cut open in the ER. Grateful for the help, but one of the most painful things I’ve experienced 🤢
Many visits to the hospital & infectious disease clinic for wound care & antibiotics 💉
Audio Transcript
This is Divine Interruption.
I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin.
So today, I wanna talk about a little bit of what has been going on over the past year, because it's been quite a journey.
And just a heads up, if you are not into like gross body things, this episode's probably not for you.
I'm gonna touch on gross skin stuff, hospital things, needles, medical trauma, that kind of thing.
So I do not like those things either, but these things happened to me, and I need to talk about them.
But I understand what it's like to get really grossed out and for it to make you feel sick and all that.
So heads up, maybe not for you.
About a year ago, I went on medical leave from my job.
I was in a pretty bad place.
My skin was getting worse and worse, and I've had skin stuff my entire life.
So I'm very familiar with it.
It's just been a way of life, and those symptoms change a lot.
And I've experienced all different forms of skin symptoms and skin things, and it's gotten really bad.
And this was another version of that, except I had a few new experiences that I hadn't had.
So I had really raw, open skin.
I was both extremely dry and also wet.
My skin was oozing, and it was open.
I would have to wrap myself in different pieces of cloth.
I'd take my kids' pants, five-year-old girl's stretch pants, and I'd rip them in half.
I'd put each leg over my arms to make it feel like I actually had skin, or to keep things tight and in there, because I really had no barrier.
I had to sleep in a different room by myself.
I honestly didn't even really see a lot of my family because I was in such a bad way.
I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't functioning.
And as anyone knows, when you don't sleep, you can't heal, your body can't repair, right?
And you start to just get into almost, for me, it was like a bit of a depressive state.
Like I was just existing.
I was bleeding, and then I was oozing, and then I was flaking.
I was having to change my clothes multiple times per day.
I was washing my sheets at least once per day.
And my whole focus, all of my energy, was just spent on just kind of, it just felt like just existing, just staying alive.
You know, going downstairs and getting food, it felt impossible.
And doing any sort of task was impossible.
So I was just lying in bed.
Sometimes I'd listen to a podcast, or watch a show, or try and read.
And even that, you know, when you're sick and you're a kid, and you've watched like three movies, and you're like, ugh, I just don't want to do anything anymore.
You just feel bad.
That's kind of, that's where I was at.
And even taking something like a shower would be the big event of the day.
And it was because it was so necessary, and yet so painful.
I even created a playlist at that time that I would turn on just to help me get through the shower, because the water felt like it was just burning my skin off.
I felt like I was melting because I was so open and so raw.
And yet without taking that shower, I would also feel awful, and I would get crispy and crusty, almost like this old gargoyle, or like a snake skin that was shedding.
Like it was just equally bad.
So not in a great place, and also so itchy.
And anyone who has had really bad skin stuff, the itch is maybe one of the worst symptoms ever.
And it's like you have like an actual demon inside of you that's getting you to do horrible things to yourself.
It's like a form of self abuse that I always felt like I could not control because the itch is so bad that if you don't scratch it, I don't know, there's just nothing else you can do.
So I would be using things like scissors and edges of sharp metal or plastic containers, the plugs on the end of like a hair dryer or knives, like a really good serrated bread knife, and I would scrape and scratch my skin with these instruments because even my hands just would not satiate that need.
And yet after, it would be excruciatingly painful, right?
Like I knew it wouldn't feel good after, but in that moment, it's like I had to do it.
And I would be bruised because I would have to do it at such a force and so intensely.
Then yeah, I'm bleeding, I'm open, I'm raw, and I'm bruised.
It was just getting worse and worse.
But what I didn't know was that it was actually going to get crazier than that.
And I assumed, and I don't know if this is silly or not, but I really thought, okay, I finally gotten off work.
Like this is a big deal.
And that was not an easy process.
And so when I finally did, there was this sigh of relief like, oh, now finally I've got this time to get better, and I can just relax and I will start to heal.
And that wasn't the case at all.
And maybe like, thank God I didn't know that.
You know, I had to have something to look forward to.
But as I let out this big sigh of relief, like, finally, oh my gosh, all of this huge area of stress in my life.
And I'd cut out a lot of things before that as well.
Just doing anything extraneous up to that point.
I had had to stop exercising.
I had been doing psychic readings on the side, it's like a side business.
I had to cut that out of my life.
And then I just was making my life smaller and smaller, doing less and less, because my capacity was shrinking, and I was getting worse.
So I assumed, yeah, finally this big chunk of time in my day, every week and all this stress, trying to show up and perform and understand things.
And when I could barely get my body, you know, into a pair of pants, or get up and take a shower, removing that from my life, I just thought, oh, it's gonna get better.
But in a sense, it was actually just the beginning of an undoing.
And this undoing was going to get more and more undone, let's put it that way.
So probably about four weeks in to this process of being off of work, things kind of, well, they took a turn.
My body exploded.
That's really the only way that I can describe it.
Now, I've got quite a multidimensional perspective on life in general because of the experiences that I've had.
And I've done a lot of healing and different work, and had so many different experiences around other lifetimes.
And seeing energy as just this huge universe.
So when I was going through something like this, and I was becoming more sick, or my capacity was lessening and lessening, I was also having other experiences.
So it's not just me in this lifetime, in this physical body, as Sarah, just kind of lying around and watching Love is Blind and eating carrot soup, like there was more to what was happening.
And when my body exploded, it opened up so many other avenues at the same time.
I was having this kind of altered reality that was following my symptoms.
I broke out into tiny little blisters everywhere, all over my body, extremely itchy.
They would be cropping up just full force.
And then I got full blown hives on top of that, again, all over my body.
So, I am a very, very itchy being at this point.
It's almost like this.
When I said that there feels like there's a demon, when I am that itchy, it was like that was coming out.
It was coming through me.
And as I've got these blisters, and as I've got these hives, then I start to develop what you'd call a boil.
I can still hardly say that word.
I just, some certain words are so gross.
Like, why do we have to make certain words gross to say?
But it's important for me to say it.
And I'm gonna say it probably 10 million times in this episode, because I need to.
And it's what happened to me, and there's no shame.
But that word makes me cringe.
So I was also getting these boils.
It was like having a tiny volcano inside your skin, but like deep, deep, deep down.
And it starts to grow and grow and expand, and it turns red, and it's extremely painful.
And you're just kind of wondering what's gonna happen.
There's this like uneasy feeling of like, okay, there's these things growing in me, and they're getting bigger, and every day it feels worse.
Are they going to come out?
So yeah, these little volcanoes got to the point where, yeah, I was already pretty bad.
But at this point, I was like, okay, I really need help now.
So I went to the ER, and they couldn't really explain what was happening.
They're kind of like, this is weird.
I think you should go home.
Maybe this will shift.
Here's some antihistamines.
Follow up with your family doctor.
So okay, get in with my doctor.
And he looked at me, and he's like, what is this?
And he's poking these things.
There was one on my neck that he was just fascinated by, and he's just pressing it and poking it.
He's taking pictures.
He's like, this is really gross.
I'm like, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Yes, I know, it's disgusting.
Please help me.
And he also didn't know.
He's like, this is really weird.
Here, take some of this cream, some bacterial stuff.
Maybe that's what's going on.
He was really kind, but he didn't have any answers for me either.
And I went home after that, and I was like, okay, I don't have answers.
I don't have any support.
This is really confusing, and I'm just going to have to live through it and see what happens.
And it progressed.
And now there's these volcanoes, these boils that were coming up, and some of them were exploding.
And when they exploded, it was like green pus and blood just flowing out of my body.
At the same time as I'm experiencing this, obviously, I've got a little bit of trepidation, some fear.
I'm in a lot of pain, like I'm not functioning well.
But I'm also starting to feel and sense so much more than that.
I'm having these moments when I'm getting overcome by emotion.
But the emotion is like not, I don't know, it's not in alignment with what I'm actually experiencing as myself.
It's like really big, big, big fear.
Like holy shit, I'm gonna die.
I can't survive this.
Something awful is happening.
There's like terror, horror, panic, and this deep fear, and then also this grief.
I was just being hit with these emotions.
And at the same time, I would get dreams, and I would have visions.
And when I experience past lives, for me, it's like I'm in another time, and I'm in another body, and I'm in a different environment.
And I can see and feel and hear and touch what's there.
And I'm like a different person, so I look different.
If I look down, my body will look different, and I'll know kind of who I am, but I'm still me.
So I hope that makes sense.
And so I've seen and experienced this before, since I opened up.
But as I was going through this horrible time last year with these symptoms, I started to kind of go into these moments where I could recognize that the feelings and emotions I was having were connected to other lifetimes.
And it was so much more than what I was going through in that moment.
And a lot of times, it was connected to a death or a really traumatic experience.
And it was like, as these boils were coming up specifically, those were attached to really old, old traumas.
And it was like I was releasing this energy, like this energy had been stored inside of me, and it was finally ready to let go.
So I was truly like exploding.
And the symptoms got even weirder, but that first bout, when I first exploded, eventually it passed.
Within a couple weeks, all of these little volcanoes had exploded, you know, some of them much more painful than others.
At that point, I was even walking with a cane.
There was a point where it's hard to even imagine, but it got so bad that, yeah, I couldn't walk.
Even going up and down the stairs was almost impossible.
I was limping, hopping, then I had this cane, and we just didn't really know what was going to happen.
And the fear that I had was that I'm not going to make it through this, like I'm dying, and there is no help for me because no one knows what I'm experiencing and if it's going to go away.
And some of those fears were yet connected to actual deaths in other lifetimes.
So it was kind of super trippy, right?
We are these multi-dimensional beings having this insane experience that a lot of times we can't always sense or know what else is at play.
But it's never just what's on the surface, and what's on the surface can present itself in a really confusing way too.
And I believe that there are multiple explanations for any sort of symptom that we experience or moment in a relationship.
I feel like there's so much more there that you can explain in a very scientific, physical, human way.
And that also makes sense on a metaphysical level, and then on a level connected to our families and our ancestors and energy that we bring from our lineages.
I just truly believe there's so much more going on.
And that's because this is, yeah, what I've lived through so many different times in different ways.
So after that first bout, these things actually passed.
And once I came out of that, those probably about a month long experience, I felt like a different person.
It was like I had passed something through me.
All this darkness, all this terror and panic and fear.
And really what felt like to me was like a near death experience.
I was like, I thought I was going to die.
I remember turning and looking at my partner being like, I think I'm dying and I'm really scared.
And to make it through that, on the other side was just remarkable.
I felt lighter, I felt stronger, I felt powerful.
And there was a part of me that, yeah, it was like something was gone.
Like I said, lighter, right?
Something had happened and shifted and changed in my energy.
Little did I know that that was not the end of this.
So there was about, I don't know, three or four weeks where I was just kind of on this high.
And I was like, I'm better.
I don't need a cane.
Like it's like, you see me like a cartoon.
I'm just like throwing my cane away, and I'm dancing, and I'm like, everything's amazing.
And then they came back.
And I was shocked, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is not happening again.
Like, what the F?
I cannot go through this again.
But they did.
So I broke out into these tiny blisters, and then I started to develop these little boils, these volcanoes, and they would crop up in different spots on my body, all over the place.
This continued to happen for the next six months.
And then I would go through these cycles, where they would come up, maybe last for two, three, four weeks, and then I'd get a week or two in between, where I was like, they're gone.
And then it would happen all over again.
During this time, I was having more of these visions and these soul memories.
And I was having this experience where sometimes I was like, am I even here?
Like, what is happening?
And I could be going to the ER, because I did have to go and get different types of treatment at different times because it got so bad.
I'd be going there and then also having these visions of another lifetime where I was going to get help, and I was denied help, or I ended up dying when I was helped by someone.
So it was just a lot to take in.
And one of the worst bouts that I had, I did have to go back to the hospital, went to the ER, and they ended up freezing me.
So they put needles into these huge boils that had turned into wounds.
So they had actually turned into flesh wounds, which was really scary.
And they stabbed me with these needles to freeze me up.
And then they sliced them open with scalpel and pressed on them.
Like took all, this doctor took all of his force and pressed on these open wounds.
And I screamed, and I really do feel like I've got a fairly high pain threshold.
And I've, you know, also have always tried to like contain myself in like a public environment.
So I was shocked that I was reacting in this way, and I was swearing, and I was like, Mother effer, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, but this is so painful.
And just screaming, and just seeing him covered in like blood, and just like green goo everywhere.
That was really rough.
And the nights leading up to that, I had thought that I could just get through it on my own, because I thought, well, I'm just transcending pain, you know, from other lifetimes, and it'll just clear itself like it did before.
Everything will be fine.
I just need to suffer with it.
And as I was doing that, that's when it's like I was denying the actual experience that I was having, which physically, like I was not safe, these things had actually become infected, and I was fighting an infection in my entire body.
I needed medical help, I needed antibiotics, I needed wound care, and I wasn't aware enough to deal with that, because that was also really scary.
It was really scary to seek help again.
And this fear of more physical pain or something going wrong, this experience brought up so many fears on all these different levels in my current lifetime, and then all these other lives that were just like becoming aware to me in different moments.
After that, I had to even go to the infectious disease clinic, so I was treated there multiple times.
And I had a doctor like get down on one knee and look me straight in the eyes and be like, this is really serious.
If you left this, you might not be alive.
And that was, yeah, that was a big eye opener for me, because it's like I knew it, but I also didn't recognize that there was support.
And like, I also didn't really know what was going on, right?
It's very confusing time.
But I did get the help I needed, and I took all sorts of different drugs and antibiotics, and was treated for these wounds, and went in multiple times after that to be treated when these things would come up.
Because sometimes I couldn't handle them on my own.
It's like energetically, it's like this energy was so stuck in my body that it could not get out, and it was trying so hard, and I could feel the pain and the pressure, but they would get stuck.
And I'd need someone to stick a needle in me and pull them out or cut them open or whatever gross painful thing needed to happen.
But I needed help.
And as this was happening, I was seeing, again, like other lifetimes, and not even just other lifetimes, I was also experiencing moments from my own past, when I had that really, really bad bout with the infection.
Like I was only tested once, and they did find a very specific staph bacteria.
That's what required all these antibiotics.
And I was having these memories and emotions flood me from when I was a kid.
And I could see myself in the hospital when I was six, because I had flesh eating disease when I was six.
It's like necrotizing fasciitis.
Like what I didn't know until I was much older was like how dangerous that was and like how near death that was.
But I came out of that experience unscathed.
But I was having the emotions and like reliving them.
I pushed it down so hard and I had never, we didn't talk about it a lot.
I didn't fully understand what had happened because I was so young.
But then as an adult, it's like that buried memory, that almost like that buried bacteria, that infection, that experience, everything that came with it came back to me and I was like flooded and I was feeling it and I was seeing it.
I was like crying for her and I was letting go of this pain and it was also coming out of my body at the same time.
And almost like facing those fears again, but from an adult perspective.
I was also, as this carried on over the next six months, seeing these different lives that would correspond with some of the markings I was getting.
So the doctor at the disease clinic, he was just like, it's really weird the way you're scarring.
He's like, this isn't typically what we'd see, but like, I don't know.
And it's true, I was getting all sorts of weird scars.
So when these things would pass, when they'd finally expressed, that's when they were able to heal, like the pus, the goo, the bacteria, the toxin, the waste.
Once it was gone, my skin would close up and it was able to heal.
You just go away.
But it was all sorts of different weird scars.
So on the backs of my legs, I had these scars.
It was almost like someone took a paintbrush and just like spattered me with paint all up the backs of my thighs.
And I was able to see this lifetime where I was abused with hot boiling water, and I was in this bathtub, and they were spraying water on me, and it was burning me.
It was all up the backs of my thighs.
I woke up one morning and I had these markings.
They almost look like burns around my wrists and around my ankles, and then my entire neck almost looked like I'd had a rope tied right around my neck.
And I was able to connect that to this lifetime where I was burned and I was tied to something and then burned.
So the symptoms and the scars and the emotions were all connected.
Some of my bigger scars are on the sides of my torso, and I saw myself as this sea captain who'd gotten really sick at sea and gotten gangrene, and he died from these infected flesh wounds.
And I could see that the scars I had were these flesh wounds that he had died from.
And then there were other markings where I had been tortured repeatedly with like really sharp branches and sticks, and then also different instruments, including knives.
Like it was very gruesome.
And then I had been left to die in the ocean.
It was like death by a thousand cuts almost, like all these small cuts everywhere had then contributed to me bleeding out and dying.
So yeah, like pretty gruesome stuff.
Then to actually see these marks show up on my body was just bizarre.
I was like, this is happening.
Like I am moving through lifetimes of pain and experiences, but it's showing up on my body now.
And there was also a lifetime that felt pretty big because I've experienced it before.
And I've worked with multiple practitioners who have brought up this lifetime to me.
So they've seen it as well.
And they're like, wow, this energy is really heavy in you.
And it was connected to this satanic cult where I was practicing some really, we're going to say, like dark magic.
I was utilizing really damaging energy and harming people, like bringing people into this cult and doing horrible rituals and really hurting people.
And I caused a lot of pain in that lifetime for others.
And in that lifetime, I was also burned.
So I've been burned multiple times, which is fascinating too, because I'm like the skin that I've had my whole life.
At so many times, it looks burnt, it feels burnt.
It's like it's melting.
There's so many correlations to that.
And I had a practitioner that I work with around this lifetime, actually during this time when I was going through these eruptions, and he saw this life again.
I was like, oh yeah, I know this life.
I've seen this life many times.
And he was able to see that, yeah, I was burned, and that energy, that death energy, that horrible dark magic I'd used to harm other people had been burned into me.
I don't even know if that makes sense.
It had been burned into me.
And as I died, that energy actually attached itself to me.
And I don't know everything, right?
But it attached to my soul's energy.
And then when I incarnated in future lifetimes, it was still there.
It's like, it was this really sneaky, dark energy.
We could call it an entity that was like attached to me and was like in my energy and manifested in my physical body.
And as my lifetimes went on, this energy that was kind of sneaky, that's what we call it, was sneaky.
It was hiding.
It would crop up and it was mainly in the skin and it would manifest in all these different ways.
And it got stronger and more forceful.
I want to say like Voldemort, I know we do not speak his name, but in that way where that energy is able to grow, right?
It feeds off of something and it's able to grow.
And so I'd lived at least seven lifetimes with this really dark death energy that for me, and again, it's very personal, right?
Maybe as I'm saying this, you're like, what the, like, okay.
Like this just sounds like a story, but even for me, it resonates so deeply as to how I have felt in my inner world growing up, and as an adult, and just trying to navigate the world, having this type of energy that just like really pulls on me has held me back.
And it's what's really thrust me and motivated me to try and find ways to feel better.
I always felt like no matter what I did, there was always this darkness.
And it's like I was trying to push through it or heal it or get it out.
Like I just, even right now, I'm making movements of me, like getting this energy out.
Like I've always been able to feel it, but never put any words to it.
I'm like, I can't explain why this is here or what it's from, but it's always been there.
So yeah, this resonated deeply.
And even the fact that I've seen and experienced these other lives that were all manifestations in skin and dying around things to do with the skin or having these horrible expressions be within the skin.
And he did like an energetic exorcism.
I won't try and describe it because it's very complicated, but essentially he was able to like remove this energy.
And it took quite a bit of time, and I felt it happen.
And I lived through it.
After that, the next morning, I woke up and I had actual crosses, like the marks of a cross on my hands, like two red marks on each of my palms in a cross.
And they lasted for about 24 hours, but it just kind of blew my mind.
I looked down, I was like, okay, like something left my body, and I am left with these markings.
And again, they didn't stay, they passed almost like a stigmata.
And all of these scars and all of these marks that would show up, like it was completely topsy turvy experience.
And it was all connected to this deep, deep pain, deep grief.
Yes, this whole experience was like seven months long.
And then it ended.
And it was like normal me, just trying to get back to life, like not well in any means, like just kind of recovering, like a back to normal, annoying, painful skin stuff.
But these boils, these volcanoes, these huge, dramatic eruptions, had subsided.
And I was like, whoa, okay, I think that's like done.
And where the scars were, the scars felt like this finality, like these lifetimes were open.
The energy from those lifetimes was still within me.
It was within my energy.
I was carrying it in my life.
And I've seen this for other people.
And so it really makes sense to me.
It's like we're borrowing energy from other experiences.
And, you know, some of the greatest fears we have, or the types of relationships that we attract, or the patterns or behaviors that we're just like, why do I keep doing that?
Or why am I so freaking scared of ladders or swimming?
Or when I think about vomiting, like I go into a full-blown panic attack.
There's so many different ways that this affects us.
And when I did readings for people, this is what I would see so much of.
It's like these other lifetimes that we've lived, or are living, if you want to say, if we want to go there, the idea that we're living all of these lifetimes at once doesn't make sense to our linear human brain, but we are actually living all of these different lifetimes, and time is an illusion.
Okay, sorry.
Sorry, we're not gonna go there.
We're not gonna go there.
I'm gonna not complicate things.
But let's just say we're borrowing and are experiencing not just this one lifetime, all of these other existences, which helps explain so much, also leads to so many more questions.
Like, I have no idea how far this could go.
All I know is that I'm fascinated by it, and I've had a lot of experience with it.
I was having that type of experience, and it was all going on at the same time.
And it was like I was transmuting that energy through me.
And unfortunately, it had to come through my body, which, I'm just like, couldn't there be an easier way?
Seriously, could we not move through it a different way?
But for me, that's just been the way it is.
But when that energy passed, when it came up, I had to exist with it and experience it, and I felt it move literally up and out.
And then I would scar, and the scars, yeah, felt like this finality, like, this is done, this is closed.
You do not have to carry all of this anymore.
And, you know, I felt very full in my lifetime, and I kind of have reached capacity many, many years ago of being able to, like, take on any more.
And it was like I was absorbing just so much because I had already carried so much coming into this lifetime.
You know, like, as a baby, what do we come in with?
We think it's this, like, fresh slate.
Well, kinda, but there's also all these other lifetimes.
And when we connect with different people, they activate different things within us, right?
There's just so much going on.
So I felt like I actually had moved through these lifetimes and then they were closed.
Like, I had to experience them again to release that energy so that I can create more space for myself.
And yes, these episodes ended for about four months.
And then, surprise, surprise, my little friends, as I've been calling them, they came back about three weeks ago, which was a big surprise because I wanted to think that I understood what had happened and that it was just over.
My human ego, I was like, oh, but I already did all that.
Like, we're good.
I closed all this lifetimes off.
It's fine.
I don't need to face this anymore.
But something is happening and this process wants to continue.
Even right now, I've got one of these things in my ear, I've got three on my chest, I've got one in the bottom of my eye, I've got one on the back of my head, and they hurt, and they're like little reminders that I am going through a process.
And I don't fully know what that is.
And I'm not having the same dramatic experience where I'm reliving other lifetimes necessarily.
It's more, there'll be moments where maybe I'm like, oh, I'm having this deep emotion.
It's not connected to anything I fully understand right now.
But when I like touch this thing, or when I feel this thing in my eye, it brings something up in me.
There's like a release that wants to happen.
You know, I don't know how long this is gonna go on for.
And this whole experience on the surface, and then at these deeper levels, I don't really know all that's going on.
All I know is that this entire year has really changed me and shifted me, and having this limitation, I will call it that, it's been a very deep limitation, just forced me to face reality, and like face my reality.
And in so many other instances, I have tried to escape.
It's like, oh, just go and like live in my own little spiritual bubble where I can imagine the world is this, and it follows this narrative.
Or I'm gonna like go into my like everyday physical life, and I'm just gonna like push through this, because that's another way that I've coped.
And well, I'm just gonna look for more things to look forward to my life, and maybe I'll plan a trip, or I will look for another job, or I'll clean the entire house, like having these ways of coping where I can distract myself, either up and out and above in like a fairy land, or like down in my energy, like really pushing my body.
And I don't know, with these little friends everywhere, like I have not been able to escape because they do take over my energy, like my capacity is stunted, anything I've tried to plan or do.
It's like, oh, they're back.
Okay, and when this happens, like I have to rest because I can't physically do what I want to do.
And emotionally, I don't feel like I have the capacity to be the way I wanna be or feel the way I wanna feel.
And it forced me to accept.
I'm meant to be here right now.
And let me tell you, like, that has not always been easy, but like, this keeps happening, right?
And even now, after having this break, I really thought I'd moved on from it, but obviously I haven't.
I'm meant to be having this experience, and maybe I don't fully need to understand why, right?
At least now, I know how to treat myself, I know how to move through this, I'm like, familiar with it, and it feels like my body is doing its thing.
Like, it knows what to do, and when it feels safe enough, and there's enough space, and I've given myself enough kindness, and like, gentleness, and rest, it just kind of does this.
So it is pushing something out, and it's actually, like, if I can reframe this experience, it's not a bad thing.
Yeah, it doesn't feel good, and from the outside, everyone's like, holy shit, you've got an insane infection, like, you're gonna die, like, we need to treat this, or we need to stop this.
And yes, sometimes I've really needed that support, and sometimes things have gotten really gnarly and infected and all of it.
But now I'm like, I'm not doing anything wrong.
And there's something about this that is bigger than me.
And as long as I don't deny where I'm at, you know, I listen to the signals my body is giving me, it's like, please go to the doctor, please get antibiotics, or please go and take this supplement, or please go to sleep, or whatever it may be.
As long as I'm listening and accepting, I don't know it all, but I can just follow the guidance I'm getting, you know, on a daily basis, it's gonna do its thing.
And yeah, I've had to slow down.
I've had to change some really dumb, annoying things in my life that are just boring about how I wake up in the morning, or how I eat, or what my daily life looks like.
I've had to scale it back to the point where, if I were to look at myself six months ago, a year ago, I'd be like, what?
That's so boring.
Like, now you're really not doing anything.
But that's what I've needed to do.
And I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been, you know, pushed into this scenario.
And it's forced me to exist with my demons.
And that, again, can be on a very, so many different levels, right?
In this current lifetime, in this body, it's forced me to slow down.
And that has been something, maybe I will always fight it, but what does that mean for my identity, that I have to do less?
And that I don't have a job or a side job, like anything that my identity is attached to, I've had to let that go.
I've had to let go of exercise and my physical capacity and maintaining parts of my appearance and just being able to like show up as the person that I feel like I am and that I want others to know I am or contribute.
There's something about contributing to society or being a part of the world where when you can't, it's like, well, then who am I?
Why do I matter?
It gets forced me to like confront some of those demons and to react in a different way, to not abuse myself.
And when I say that, I just mean by pushing beyond my limitations and capacity because that's how I grew up, that's how I coped, that's a lot of what we are taught, isn't to push through things.
So it's forced me not to do that.
And facing so many fears, oh my god, just to allow for pain, to allow for discomfort, but then also to seek out treatment and to try again, like show up at the emergency room and just have hope that that experience will go well, that I will receive support, that there is a good ending for me.
Whereas in the past, I've had a lot of like medical trauma and a lot of judgment around that about the way I was treated or what happened or just not being seen or understood.
So I've had to go through all of that again.
And now I actually have a new perspective.
I've reacted differently.
I've had amazing doctors and support and treatments.
And now I can have more of a neutral reaction when it comes to these things.
And that's such a gift for me.
Nothing is bad.
Nothing is good.
It's like we have tools.
It's like sometimes I need medicine.
Sometimes I need a herb.
Sometimes I need an energetic exorcism.
Like we don't know.
But now there's less judgment and I can be more neutral and just see what I need at the time.
So that's been a gift.
Having to exist with my demons on that level in a very day-to-day way has been really helpful.
It hasn't been easy, but it's been helpful.
And then also, I've obviously been facing fears on this completely other existence, this other plane where I've been releasing some really dark shit.
And that wasn't easy to contend with either because I would have to experience some of it and see it and then feel those emotions.
But there's a release there.
And that just feels divine for me because there's this energy that's leaving me that I've always carried and it feels so old and so ancient.
Like it was never mine to begin with because it was from all these other places.
Anyway, I can't really even describe it, but I've faced those fears and those have left.
And that feels like a gift.
But yeah, something I just come back to that I think I am learning even as I'm talking about this now, is just this connection between safety and then an undoing.
I wasn't really seeing this process that way, especially at the beginning.
When I finally got on to medical leave, I really thought I was going to just get better.
And I had this vision, an expectation of what this time would be like for me and how I would, I actually thought I was only going to do more somehow.
I was like, I'll figure out my life and I'll heal and I'll get better, and then I'll be over here looking like this, doing this, and I will feel this way.
And instead, it's actually just been this, what has felt like a downhill.
But really, I was just creating more safety and space for my body to finally be like, oh my god, thank you, now I can do the job I need to do.
Because our body has so much wisdom, this is not a bad thing, but it appears bad on the outside.
It doesn't feel pleasant.
It's not what I would prefer.
But it's honestly like, it's like my body's been waiting a lifetime, or honestly, we're going to say lifetimes, to release what is happening and what I've just gone through.
It's been holding on for so long, it was just waiting for that moment.
It's like when you go on vacation and you end up getting sick.
When you create space in your body, space in your life for you to finally, like I feel just like a big exhale.
That space sometimes is when the body needs to do its work, and that could be releasing things, it could be emotions, or I don't know, stuff that we've picked up along a lifetime or other lifetimes, there's energy, there's stuff that needs to go.
So yeah, I've created more space and safety.
And I do want to say like going on leave too, that that was not an easy journey.
I had to really fight for myself, I had to advocate and stand up for myself in a way that I've never done before.
It took me almost a whole year, more than six months to even be considered.
I was rejected for medical leave before.
And so I had to pick myself up again and approach it in another way.
That way was not asking for permission honestly, and not punishing myself and seeing myself as bad or not worthy of space and rest and time.
I had to accept my reality.
And the reality was like, I'm really not well.
And I've been pretending I'm better than I am.
And I've been thinking my identity is attached to showing up in a certain way and looking and being a certain way.
And when I finally was able to come to terms and be honest with myself and be like, no, I'm not well, I need to believe.
I'm not going to go to the doctor or the practitioner or the boss or the co-worker or the union or whatever it is and be like, please, please see me, please give me space and time like I need it.
That didn't work.
I did that.
But when I said, hey, I gave that to myself first, I was like, I need this space and time, I'm not okay.
Then things shifted.
And then months later when I was able to change and go through that journey of just accepting myself and being like, I deserve this time and space and my body's asking for it.
And no one is going to give it to me unless I believe I'm like worthy of it first.
That's when things shifted.
So even, yeah, even the journey has started years before, right?
And months before I even got to this place.
I'm just realizing this right now that it's been such a long, long road just to get to the point where my body could explode and it's like it was asking for it all along because it knew it had this huge job to do and that it maybe was going to require obviously like a lot of space and time.
And I wasn't ready yet.
I was way too attached and tied to all of these other things that really had nothing to do with what my body and my soul like really needed to do.
So, it's actually been like a sacred journey.
And yes, I can sit here and say that today with these like volcanoes all over my body.
And I can like honor that and also say, I don't 100% know what's happening to me, and I don't know when it's going to end, and I don't know where it's going.
But I can't ignore it.
And if I accept those feelings, that's all I can do.
And I've honored it.
So, we all have these sacred journeys.
But to get there, we do need to give ourselves the time and space to allow for those volcanoes of green lava to explode.
I hope that that's not your journey.
Maybe it can come out in another way again.
I'm like, maybe there's another way.
But anyway, thank you.
I've actually learned a lot about myself just by talking about this.
And I feel less, yeah, there's even less shame attached to even the word boil.
I can say that.
And it's still kind of gross, but again, it's like my reality, and that just has to be enough.
And I'm the only one that can truly accept that for myself.
So yeah, thank you so much for listening, and we'll talk again soon about so much more.
Okay, bye.
